| I know you well enough to know you never loved me. |
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[23 Apr 2005|06:09pm] |
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Bright Eyes - Take it easy (love nothing) |
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Well Jake keeps telling me that I never update this.. so I decided to update it for him(I better be getting some for this) lol im kidding. These last couple of days have been so brutal and I don't know how much more I can take before I implode. Not only do I have to deal with cops and psychologists but I have to deal with my ignorant family who blames me for all the crap that goes on. Even though all this is going on.. I'm glad I have some really close friends that are standing up for me and are there for me.. thanks you guys you guys mean the world to me. I could really use a hug. I love you jake.. I doubt mike even checks my journal thingy ever but thanks alot for being there for me mike it means alot.
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| Whammy!(again)? |
[17 Mar 2005|10:19pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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Bitches - Mindless Self Indulgence |
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Happy St.Patricks day. Like becky would say I have 5% of Irish in me, the other 95% will be in there soon enough. Well I really looked secksie today at school, and like no one noticed except for Bexy and Rach who kept whisteling aww nice friends. Thennn I came home and almost killed myself of boredom. Talked to Jake which totally brightened my day, but then I might not be able to hang out with him for Spring Break so I'm really pissed off and worried that I might not get to be with him! If I don't get to see him for spring break I swear I'm just gonna run away from home. My parents effing suck, I just can't wait to get out of here. So then I'm trying hard to find a way to control my anger but I got nothing. I've been taking a lot of time outs but they will only work for so long. Goodnight everybutty and screw you all too!
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[13 Mar 2005|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Toxicity - System of a Down |
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I dont know, I feel so rebellious right now, like I wanna do something illegal but I don't know why, I guess its all just a teen phase or some crap. So.. I wanted to go shopping today and my mom didnt want to go so i was mad. Then I ate some chocolate frosting to make my mood go better, its ok now I'm just completely bored and wanna vandelize something. I haven't talked to Jake today which sucks cause I miss him so much, even though I talked to him last night yep yep. My cats better now I guess she was just horny after a guy cat after all. I miss Dave, for some reason I feel so empty without him. I'm so excited for spring break but I have no cash so I'm gonna get a job at burger king haha yea right but I might cause I need a cash and theres no way I'm gonna give a lapdance to some 70 year old dude that slobbers on my thigh yuck. anyhow I'm gonna find out how to hotwire a car.
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| Rawr |
[11 Mar 2005|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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California Song - Local H |
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Yeah, I haven't updated in a while? Screw you! I say! My kitty is sick?! *cries* I don't know whats wrong with her but shes like meowing a lot... besides that.. Marco found out that I smoked, he already thinks im screwed up so I don't care. I think Jake's the best part of my day! yeah ok, so my friend is telling me how these journal things suck, and how nobody cares about my day or whatever but like yeah.. im mainly updating this for jake! so i better be getting some later.. lol no jk. I have nothing else to say now! you kicked my dog!
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| ya ka blah! |
[06 Mar 2005|03:35pm] |
Where did I come from?
You came from heaven. Your gole in life is to help
others and to make the world a better place.
Some call you weak, but in reality your soul is
very strong. If only more people were like
you...
Where did you come from?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| sometimes I cut myself |
[24 Feb 2005|03:10pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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Talk to me, Dance with me - Hot Hot Heat |
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I have to get this book that Elliot told me to read, bleh.. but I'll gladly read it for him. I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack. I'm so confused, I lover Jacob but I don't want to hurt him.
My feelings are overflowing in my head. I feel like I'm locked up in chains and I can't get free, its cold and dark and no matter how loud I scream for help nobody can hear me, not Jacob or Dave not even Mike or Elly, and I cry because my emotions are over-lapping and I can't handle it, or break free. Well thats just how I've been feeling lately hopefully tomorrow it gets better.
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| I'm warning you |
[23 Feb 2005|06:40pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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music |
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A decade under the influence - Taking Back Sunday |
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Just to start off.. wtf blink 182? Hiatus?? has anyone else heard about this?? wtf?! theyre no "hiatus" which is just a nice way of saying theyre going to break up.. um these last couple of days have been very weird.. my dentist was being a fat cow and she made me cry yep yep. I talked to my counselor today and I'm starting to like her. Besides that.. I wrote a long letter to my parents, which I still havent given it to them yet.. bleh. I talked to Elly for a really really long time about Jesus lol, well he talked to me about Jesus. Punch him in the neck! lol i dont know.. I miss Jacob, I was telling my counselor about him and she said that he was so sweet. I think he's so cute and how he's soo nice to me. I think about him in school all the time! and i tell my friends and they look at me like "we dont care" yep yep Besides that.. I'm going to go watch Lost, it better be on tonight or else! I LOVE LAMP!
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[19 Feb 2005|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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 hyper |
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music |
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All the small things - Blink 182 |
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My head hurts, I think I had too much to drink last night. I'm aggitated. I want to cry..I think my dad's taking us to Indiana tomorrow, I hate Indiana.. its so effing boring and the people suck. I miss Jacob, I even told Kevin how much I really like Jacob. So I had a longgg talk with Bindu about a lot of serious stuff and I'm sooo relieved that I talked to her. I told her to come see me at school whenever she can. I'm considering going to college. I need to buy a camera..OMG YEAH! and I'll like do stuff with it! Yeah I'm getting a job. yay??? right! now kiss me you loser! .. I dunt know..
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| Ugh! |
[18 Feb 2005|09:33am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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One Armed Scissor - At the Drive-In |
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I'm so effing pissed off.. my cousins left back to Michigan, and I went to navy pier and I want to cry. Too many guys made me cry this week.. it sucked really bad. Jacob has no idea. I had so much to type here, but I'm on a complete blank now. I feel so empty..like I don't have anything to offer this stupid world. Oh well, I'll update this later, when I feel better.
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| I dunt know... |
[16 Feb 2005|01:42pm] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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If I die - Something Corporate |
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Yeah, today I have my counsellor coming over, and I suppose I have a lot to talk to her about. I'm so confused. I won't be online for a few days cause my cousins are coming over and its gonna be pretty hectic and they will wanna go on my laptop so yesh..I don't have a clue where I'm going to get a job. Probably at blockbuster videos or something I dont know. I have to make lasagna for 20 people today.. ugh. I'm too lazy to write anything else so bye
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| Hate |
[11 Feb 2005|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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This Place is a Prison - The Postal Service |
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This week was pretty exhausting. Its weird to go back to school, but I'm really trying to finish it already. Robert's confusing me. I can't wait to get out of my house.. yes its hard to be an adult but I've been doing adult stuff all my life, yep yep. So my parents dont want me to hang out with Rach or Becky anymore..I don't know.. no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get through to my parents. I suppose I should stop trying after awhile. I miss the comfort in being sad. So I'm troubled between Jacob and Victor.. It's so confusing and I like Jacob so much.. I think if I could be with him I wouldnt even think about Vic anymore. Valentines day is going to suck .. the one person I want to be with.. I cant be with. I miss Jacob.Goodnight everybutty!
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| Move |
[08 Feb 2005|09:41pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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Run - Snow Patrol |
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Hello nobody out there, I've learned that people can be so inconsiderate. Sometimes I feel like screaming at my friends trying to understand how they cant see how messed up I am inside. I need a hug and some vodka. Tomorrow I think I'm going out with Robert and some friends, I hope he doesnt think of me more than a friend cause I really can't deal with it right now, I have way too much going on. I'm going to apply to some places and try to get a job. For some reason I really don't want to deal with this, I just want to take like a really long vacation and get away from all this mess. Jacob is the sweetest guy ever and yet he can't be here to tell me that everything is going to be fine. It sucks when you can't show someone how much you really care about them, and I'm that kinda person where I show my affection rather than say how I feel. Things get better, I've been told.
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| I win |
[07 Feb 2005|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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Scars - Papa Roach |
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well today I went back to school for the first time in 2 weeks. I got to see my friends yay! and marco's broken leg? yep yep. Jacob is the sweetest guy ever! I was like so gloating to my friends about this song thingy. At school i was getting so bored and I didn't know what to do and I kept thinking about anonymous people and I wrote something so corny yet sweet to dave lol. but then I kept thinking about how great it would be if Jacob was with me. I'm going to see Becky tomorrow, for the first time in a really really really long time. I can't wait to hear about her love for her cousin lol. Blah so I think Mike hates me cause of some different reasons.. dont want to talk about it! And Roberts taking me out Wednesday I think? yeah.. I WANT JACOB yep yep thats hot.. he turns me on.. oh yeah!. I so gotta stop saying stuff like that.
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| Scratch |
[06 Feb 2005|05:39pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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No lies, just love - Bright Eyes |
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Eff! I can't take it, I hate this month..I hate constantly having Michael on my mind. Whenever I do have him on my mind I want to cry so bad cause it makes me so sad. My mom's going to try to get me a job at the dollar store. Blah I'm too exhausted to say anything else.. I'm going to go cry.
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| Oh yeah! |
[05 Feb 2005|07:37pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Great Romances of the 20th century - Taking Back Sunday |
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Well its effing great to have freedom, I haven't been in school in such a long time, I dunt know. These last few days ever since I've been home have been pretty great. I'm cooking alot and I've been shopping like crazy. I got to see Rachel for the first time in a really long time today, it was soo great. I got to read Bexy's letter...She said she finished my senses fail cd. Umm I've been thinking alot about Jacob and I really can't wait to be with him. I always have him on my mind and a bunch of other corny love stuff yep yep. My cousin so far hates his guts.. but then again she sorta hates everyone. I'm going to take some sort of boxing lessons, but I'm not quite sure when. My cop said I was intelligent.. I just thought I should put that here. I had this weird dream last night that I was like smoking pot. I dunt know but it was awesome.. and then I woke up and kneed my wall? yeah..If anyone doesnt know.. UFC is on tonight oh yeah! thats hot!
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| Freedom |
[02 Feb 2005|11:08pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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Sky Blue and Black - Jackson Browne |
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Um, I just got out of friggin Riveredge, I swear to God I am never going back to a place like that. These last couple of weeks have been so brutal for me.. I have a physical exam Friday and I am totally freaked out about it. I was so lonely and I didn't see my friends in such a long time. On the other hand I'm happy I'm changing things around here, well not just me. The good thing is I don't have to go back to school till like Monday. I haven't talked to Jacob..I feel so bad
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| Yesh... |
[22 Jan 2005|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Memory - Sugarcult |
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ok well what a day? it sucked ass! the highlight of my day was talking to Jacob... which makes me sad cause I can't see him so often and I want him more and more. Joey IMed me today, I dunno why the hell he did the conversation I had with him was pretty sad. I'm gonna be in so much trouble if I don't finish all this work by monday but I really don't care for some reason. I feel like I've been taken for granted, I have been and still am being used by so many people and I can't get the courage to stand up to them as if I feel like I deserve it. I know, I suck. Becky's gone for the whole friggin week! what the hell am I gonna do in school without her?? I can't even friggin talk to her mom.
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| So Sorry.. |
[20 Jan 2005|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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Bend and Not Break - Dashboard Confessional |
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Well, I took my stateboard exam which I am 80% sure I failed..AND I DONT CARE! My gramma came home today she looks really.. spiffy? I dunno she seems distant. Today is also my mom's birthday..*gives out a pathetic "yay"*. yeah.......I've realized some memories you just can't make them go away no matter how hard you try. I've also realized all my life I've been doing stuff for otherwan people and doing things they wanted and I never really did what I wanted. I want to go to the - senses fail, my chemical romance, and the used concert but I need cash..and Sexy Bexy needs to figure out if its on a school night. DEAR GOD I MISS PORK! this jewish thing isnt working!
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| All You Wanted |
[18 Jan 2005|04:02pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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Fuck Authority - Pennywise |
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Why do people have to suck so much? It's confusing.. I have my stateboard exam thursday bleh. I miss michael. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but I'm to dizzy and sick to care.. I'm getting everyone sick too hehehe. Alayna is pretty cool, shes very clean and likes to put my stuff away but Its sorta bugging me cause I like my things to be in theyre own place? I dunno.. I dunno if I should tell her something about it.
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| Stop |
[16 Jan 2005|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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music |
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Adam's Song - Blink 182 |
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ok.. well my brother beat up my cat and I cried for a while.. she was so scarred she wouldnt stop shaking and she just stayed in my arms. Alina is sad at me, but im really in a bad mood right now so I don't know. Dave's mad at me, I suppose I'm making a lot of people feel like crap lately. I have my state boart exam Thursday and I really don't care about it that much. I miss my friends. There's no school tomorrow yay! I got my cold back and blah I want a cheeseburger!! NOW! I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed until I fix things with Dave. blah blah blah
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